Last night, I was going on craig's list to look for a few things.
You know how when you click on a link, it turns purple, & the unclicked links are blue?
Well on the main page of craig's list, it had pets, furnature etc. links in purple. No big deal, my mom looks at stuff to buy all the time.
But then i noticed there were also purple links of romance & men seeking women.
Curious, I clicked on "Men Seeking Women"
& sure enough, about ten links were clicked on. Most of them were "married man looking for married woman" or even "young man looking for cougar"
I love my dad. I am so close to him. But should I tell him about what I found? I think he has the right to know, but a lot say not to get into it. But right now, I can't even look at either of them without feeling guilt. Please help. I'm 16, and have two younger siblings. My mom is currently unemployed, & is home alone all day.
Answer:
I would bring it up with your mom, but in a very understanding and non accusational way. If you don't say something, these feelings could fester inside you until one day, you just explode and end up saying something out of anger. Also, if their marriage was ever to fail, I wouldn't want you to carry around the guilt of having this knowledge and not coming forward.
It is entirely possible that your mom was just looking at these ads and has not actually engaged in any cheating yet. This doesn't make this right, but its certainly better than the alternative.
I feel that the best way to approach the converation would be to say something like "Mom….I saw something the other day that made me really uncomfortable, I was wondering if I could talk to you about it?"
Any mother worth her salt will be very concerned and want to help her daughter talk out what is bothering her..I might continue by saying "I found something the other day that is really scaring me and I just need to know everythings ok…." from there, I would use your own words to explain to your mom why this hurts you so much.
Remember, do not bring up your or your mom's relationship with your father. This conversation is not about them, or you and him….its about you and your mom and how those ads made YOU feel. Try not to bring your father into things if you can, try and keep the conversatiuon focused on what you are feeling in relation to this information and allow your mother the opportunity to explain.
Remember, this conversation is bewteen you two. If your mother wants to bring your father into the conversation, that is entirely up to her and her alone.
When the convo is done, I would say something like
"Thanks mom, I really needed to get that off my chest. I was so worried. I really appreciate you talking with me."
Its important to use positive communication words and to start phrases with "I feel…" or "This concerns me because…." Using "i" and "me" words makes the conversation less accusational and more about communicating how you are feeling. Besides, when you start a conversation this way, it usually opens the door for a more positive communication experience.
If you were to start the convo with something like "You did this…" or "You're being dishonest…." or "Why did you…" then the conversation goes into defensive/offensive mode and no good can come from this.
Think very carefully about what you want to say…practice if need be…and always focus on communicating how your feeling and listening to her responses. It will be a much easier expereinece this way.
Good luck Hun….that is quite a pickle to be in…but you will make the right choice (and thats whatever choice feels right to you!!!)
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
This doesn't mean she's cheating.
Most of those ads are fake as well.
If you talk to anyone, you talk to your mother.
You might want to be obtuse about it – ask her how she and your Dad are getting along.
Urge her to do something about it if she's not happy, get marriage books, get counseling, something.
If you have little brothers or sisters, offer to baby-sit one night a week so they can get out together.
It can be the middle of the week so you can still go out on the weekend.
…
But Rachael, why do you look?
It gives you a charge there there are people looking; you could go have a random hook-up if you really wanted to.
It gives you something to fantasize about… that distracts you from the ugly issues at hand. [Pot, Kettle...]
IDK…I look at that stuff all the time. It's really comical to go on there and read all the single's ads. I either do it by myself, or with my husband there, and I read them off to him.
Regardless, you should stay out of this. Don't say anything to your mom. Don't say anything to your dad. You do not know what is going on.
Listen to me!!!
First you need to understand that NOTHING of this is YOUR FAULT !!!!
And second if you are really undecided on what to do, you should see some expert, a counselor
you know, somebody with experience who will help you to make the right choice.
There is nothing wrong with being unsure about making a decision and that is what I would do.
You see all the options and then decide what is the best for you, even if it is painful !!!
You must log in to post a comment.