My roller coaster ride with Phil
If you are still single and have been going on and off a relationship, you may find this article offering a fresh perspective and like to take a pointer of two in your next relationship.
While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior. ~Henry C. Link
Some of us may still remain stuck in the expired relationship although your ex-partner may have already moved on. Stephen Covey in his best-selling book, 7 Habits of effective managers talk about responsibility. We have the ability to choose our response and not react to the situation.
To fault others when things go wrong is denying us an opportunity to better understand ourselves at an inner level. If one carefully revisits the script of their previous relationship, they would notice some consistent patterns, habits or behaviors that was present.
For example, Phil (not his real name) was doubtful of his own capabilities and unhappy in his current job. He was constantly envious of his friends who were doing better than him. Bigger house, bigger paycheck and bonus and higher job titles! He fantasizes a lot about his idealistic job and often quarreled with his girlfriend, Susan (not her real name) who’s pragmatic and success-driven.
Susan loves Phil as he was a romantic guy and could really understand her feelings intensely, especially when she was going through a break-off with her ex-boyfriend before they became an item. She felt Phil will be her soul mate as they could really connect emotionally and he was able to relate her pain and sadness when she poured the story to him.
In terms of career, Susan is a goal-getter, confident and roaring to go for the next promotion. Climbing to the position of a Vice President means a lot to her and she stayed late often at work. This affected her relationship with Phil as she commented that he was not serious about his career and not taking enough initiatives to excel himself. She thought her remarks was fair and would encourage him to do better. Little did she knew that Phil took it negatively and overblown the matter! They had several quarrels regarding this but ended up in cold war over the weekend. Both felt miserable but continued seeing each other, nevertheless.
Finally, the straw that broke the camel’s back came when Susan was offered a lucrative promotion to the VP role and required her to relocate to another country for two years. She thought Phil would be thrilled about it and would accompany her to relocate as well.
Phil flared and raised his voice during the dinner when she broke the news to him. He thought Susan was being insensitive and self-centered, not sparing a thought for his feelings and went ahead to accept the offer without seeking his advice. (It was supposed to be a surprise for him)
Actually, Phil was plain jealous and feeling imbalanced as Susan was faring so much better (in his map of the world) in her career than him.His ego was bruised when his guy friends often teased him about Susan “taking care” of him in future. He dislikes the feeling of being misunderstood. Sadly, this couple parted eventually, citing irreconcilable differences as reason and claims that they can still be friends. Nine months has passed and Phil is still single. Each time, someone introduce a nice girl to him, he finds excuses not to meet up and occasionally withdrawn from his friends.
Phil needs to be aware that his need/craving for special attention constantly is an emotional drag on the relationship. It will be more beneficial for him to stay grounded and work his way in his career and not dreaming miles away about his idealistic plans and ambitions. Like an actor, he conjures up excessive images of futuristic events and self-directs the movie in his head. It is alright to dream provided he makes action plan to execute them, which he did not. The grass seems greener on the other side of the fence and before long; he would be toying with another fantasy of his again. This cycle repeats itself over and over again in Phil’s career.
By being other-focused and recognized that his needs can take on second priority, he would be able to relate better and understand his partner’s perspective as well. Focusing on the joyous relationship, Phil will be able to slowly relinquish his addiction to pain and struggles, something he may not consciously be aware of.
Phil is capable of developing his own identity healthily and still maintains his individuality without compromising on the relationship with his partner. He can be a compassionate and open-minded partner who gives selflessly. Learning to control temperaments and roller-coaster mood swings are essential in any relationship.
Investing time to journal his experiences would also help him to see things more objectively and provides a healthy route to release his tension, drama and anger.
The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. ~Jim Rohn
Desmond works for a large consulting firm as a Regional Sales Director. He is a NLP and Enneagram practitioner and coach people with problems in Career, relationship, sales training, communication , teambuilding and personal development. Email him at 913m13@gmail.com to receive first free email coaching. Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/my-roller-coaster-ride-with-phil-807310.html
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