Rejection: How does it feel to you? Like a bee sting? A dog bite? A venomous snake bite?
If you’re single and in the dating market, rejection comes with the territory! The only way to know if someone wants to go out with you or pursue things is to ask! And it’s in the asking that you are wide open to rejection.
Over recent weeks, I’ve been reminded how the fear of rejection can be a show stopper for men in the dating and relationship arena. Four professional men have confided in me sharing their secret! They all basically said, “It’s really hard to approach a woman – even one I’m really interested in getting to know. I’m afraid of being rejected.” They all love women, but believe they’re still single and don’t really put themselves ‘out there’ because it’s hard to deal with rejection and disappointment. Or if they do date, they say it feels like walking on egg shells or into the lion’s den, neither of which are easy or fun to do! They told me “I’m afraid!”
I understand! It’s a big deal having to face the disappointment of ‘no’. It’s hard to deal with getting your feelings hurt, picking yourself back up and trying again. After a while, it seems easier to give up trying rather than facing another ‘no thanks’. Yes, in the 21st century, the age old ‘fear of rejection’ is still one of the biggest roadblocks for many guys. Are you one of them?
Women take note! Men love women. They love to be with women. They love how we look, smell, sound and feel. We ignite their fires and set them into a tailspin, and they love every minute of it. They want to be with us and connected to us in intimate ways, yet, before we ever exchange a ‘hello’, we scare them, maybe even intimidate them! Yes! Grown adult men, fear we will reject them and it still stings, like it did when they were younger. Add a little compassion to the picture.
Many men who are ‘shy’, simply don’t ask, initiate, make a move, or try because they are afraid of the disappointment of ‘no’.
Hey Guys! On the flip side, women are eager and anxious for you to make the first move! Even in the 21st century, women want you to take control and initiate the first contact, the first date, the first kiss. They aren’t being coy or mysterious. Women want you to ‘be the man’ so they can be ‘the girl’!!!!
What is fear of rejection?
It’s a way of thinking about yourself that’s blown out of proportion and dependent upon what other people think of you. It is a type of negative self-talk that puts you in a downward spiral anticipating and expecting an upcoming event or situation will turn out badly -before it’s ever occurred! Rather than the glass being half-full, it’s half-empty and draining quickly!
Fear of rejection can be attributed to low self-esteem, that is, when you don’t believe you’re good enough. Over a period of time you’ve placed the value of other people’s opinion over your own and failed to maintain your integrity and self-respect. It’s a loss of your own identity, and consequently, a loss in confidence and your abilities. It’s a slow process and happens over time. As you place greater value on what others think about you rather than what you believe and think yourself, you end up losing your true identity. You’re not living the life you want.
Does It Matter Where It Came From?
There can be literally hundreds of reasons why you feel this way. Maybe from some early childhood trauma, an adolescent experience combined with times in your adult life where you have had to deal with “no” and disappointment.
Truthfully, it really doesn’t matter where your fear of rejection came from, unless you are totally immobilized and need assistance from a mental health professional, like a psychologist for therapy or psychiatrist for medication.
I don’t want to seem heartless, but you’re an adult now, not a small child or adolescent that has no life experience. Get past the “where did it come from” and get on the road to doing something about it. Knowing why you feel this way or where it came from won’t change how you deal with it. Nope! It’s the action you take to eliminate this from your life that will ultimately make the difference.
What Can Happen?
Eventually, fear of rejections can cause you to become more and more isolated and less able to take risks – even in low to no risk situations. You may become depressed, the clinical kind of depression that may require mental health intervention, because the world around you has become so bleak and even a bit scary!
Fear of rejection can turn-off prospective matches. It’s not an attraction quality! People want to be with people who don’t put the brakes on when the light is green!
Are you passive? Is avoidance mode easy for you? Do you fail to speak up or express your ideas and opinions, especially when you have differing idea or thought? Do you take the easy way out and just stay quiet or try to avoid any conflict or disagreement? Do you lack courage to deal with people straight on? Do you avoid ‘putting yourself out there in the dating world? Have you become increasingly inflexible, rigid and even closed to new experiences. These are all real and potential consequences of the fear of rejection – and none of them will magnetize the right person into your life.
If you want to be in the dating and relationship world and be the most attractive person you can be, you will need to learn to face your fear of rejection head-on!
! Your Response is Important!
Ladies! When you are interested in a man, I know you turn on your soft, gentle and approachable side. Your rough edges melt away and your communication, both verbal and nonverbal is inviting, open and respectful.
When you’re not interested in a man, you often time have a more difficult time with this exchange. Here’s what I strongly recommend. Turn on your compassionate side. Remember that a man just expressed interest in you. He wants to get to know you better. Your compassionate side says, “Thank you so much for asking me/approaching me/taking the chance with me. I appreciate it, but I’m not interested.” That’s it! It’s that simple.
You can walk away feeling good about your exchange and he walks away thinking to himself, “She’s a classy lady.”
Guys! What to Do About Your Fear?
The first step is to be honest with yourself that you’ve gotten yourself in this predicament. Take ownership of your negative thinking. Think about it, if you get a flat tire on the side of the road, you don’t just sit there and do nothing. Instead, you hop into action to get it fixed! Same should be true about this.
Second, take an assertiveness communication class to learn effective communication skills. Practice speaking up and speaking your mind. Relationships are built on meaningful and effective communication. The ability to express what you think and feel launches a great relationship and keeps the embers burning! If you can’t be open and honest from the get-go, you’re doomed for troubled waters.
Third, get out of your boxed-in in life. Fear of rejection is a fear of the unknown and not being in control of every aspect of your life. You may think that you lead a very cosmopolitan life, but fear limits your opportunities and possibilities. It stops you in advance and shuts the door to possibilities and opportunities. Instead, make new opportunities to be with and experience people. Create possibilities to communicate and talk with others. Practice approaching and initiating a conversation and exchange with new people. The more practice you have, the more confident you will feel and act.
Fourth, be true to yourself and how you really feel and think. Your authentic self is way sexier and attractive than the ‘fake’ you. Always go back to being who you are as your default! People are attracted to your authentic and natural side. If you’re faced with a situation that scares you, even a little, acknowledge the feeling and move on! Your open and expressive acknowledgment takes the punch out of fear, rather than giving it fuel.
Lastly, if someone rejects or says ‘no thank you’, you’re in the same position you were before you asked, with the exception that now you know how the other person feels and thinks – no more guessing or tying to play psychic. Better to know than live in a world of guessing.
Being attractive to the opposite sex always starts from within. Truth is, what really matters is what you think, feel and believe. Do not let the fear of rejection stop you from living the life you want.
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